seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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