Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
