i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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