My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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