My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
