i love accidental penises.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
They have beer where we have blood.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
