she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Randomize
