Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
i think im in europe. pls send help
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Randomize
