Don't you send me to vm
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
