I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
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