I wannas sexs uuuuu
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Randomize
