Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
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