i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
