I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
Randomize
