I'm drive I can fine osifer
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Randomize
