I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
