do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
