I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
There are leaves in my underwear?
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