I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
