theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
