one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Randomize
