I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Randomize
