Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
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