i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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