2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
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