I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
