Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
