Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
