Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
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