Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
