i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
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