So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
