i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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