can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
How does it feel to date your dad?
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
