I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
All I want is dick and wine.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
Randomize
