the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
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