tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
Just puked most of my soul out..
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