can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
