I can't breathe out the right side of my face
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
