just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
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