Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Randomize
