I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Randomize
