I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
