I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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