you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
