I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
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