No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
