She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
