hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Randomize
