alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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