I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
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