I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
ok first of all what the fuck
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
