What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
