I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
