I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Randomize
